Adolf Oliver Nipples (Pitt): NHL 95 psychopath that is available to play 17 hours a day, 7 days a week from his dining room table. A top 10 player (and rising) that’s traded both Yzerman and Forsberg. Every game that Pitt plays is broadcast live on the global internets. If you like dump and chase hockey, this is your guy. This timid little fella drinks a 30-pack of Busch light every weekend, and rarely misses a Pittsburgh Pirates game.
Ellis (Alberta): Fantastic MFer from Canada who’s a 95er on the rise after finally figuring out his Canadian internet situation. Just like most humans, he’s not available as much as Adolf but he gets his games in with the best of them. He’s a world ranked Hax player and you can expect an invite if you haven’t gotten one already.
LHX (Renfrew): Arguably the 2nd coolest chap in this group of nerds (we will get to #1 later). When he’s available it’s typically later in the evenings. This (alleged) Canadian former amateur wrestler is one of 3 published authors in this group that we know of.
Pink Elephants (Sumter): “I’ll be available after 9:00” is a phrase that is muttered often by Jimmy Elephants. This young hot shot loses much more than he wins but he does it with honor. He’s most known these days for “falling asleep” on the patio at the most recent HAI event, where he was also identified as a close talker.
Lloyd10xmas (Providence): Lloyd is probably the nicest human on the planet, yet we all (lovingly) hate him because he’s never around. Don’t be fooled though, he will get all his games in, it will just be at the pace of someone on speed and mushrooms (which he likely is). Legend has it he works 100 hours a week, and whatever is left he spends playing NHL95 (or hanging out with Ceydan).
Einstein/Chalky (Sugar Valley): Known as the “Black Eye of HAI” for his inability to score despite leading the league in shots every year and his overall suckiness on the ice. Over the 1st six years of this league he was the hardest person to find, but this year he’s come out of the woodwork. When you see a flaming dragon or eyeball pop up on Discord, go get yourself 2 wins.
Mr. Tex (Silicon Valley): Sounds like you already know Texy but he’s never around and better yet, never communicates. Sometimes he’ll show up, ask for games, not play even though someone responds right away. His excuse is top 10 in the world, while his immune system is in the bottom 5%. He’s been unable to play because of being stranded in snowstorms, sick, coaching soccer, and moving that I can remember off the top of my head.
Jer33 (Baytown): Newer fella here so don’t know as much, but super cool to play and has some chops on the ice as well. He’s in 2 leagues here (at least), plays his games, has fun, drinks booze….what’s not to love? Probably needs a DSO95 and WNC podcast appearance to tell us what else he’s into.
Ticklepuss (Tegucigalpa): Don’t take anything he says serious because he’s just a sarcastic prick that likes to have fun. Loves 95, loves hanging out on Discord, and even ghostwrites for Blubber Magazine. He’s not around terribly often but will play any chance he gets when his needy family isn’t driving him fucking crazy! Twice as good when he’s high and/or drunk.
Ceydan (Hoth): The most helpful person in the league, and does more than we all probably know to take the weight off of Commissioner UltraMagnus. Cey posts box scores, updates sheets, keeps waiver wire shit, keeps draft shit, etc etc. Great fella, even lent me his paddle at this years HAI tourney when mine shit the bed. Good friends with the aforeskinmentioned LloydXmas so he also yells at him offline to play his games. On top of all this, he plays his games and streams them all.
MCline (Sunnyvale): Probably contributes the 3rd most in the league in terms taking things off UMs shoulders and providing content. Everyone looks forward to Mike’s draft ranking lists before the draft and post draft analysis as well. This lumberjack looking stoner is also available on a regular basis when not running kids around. Michael is also the organizer of the world renowned HAI invitational that takes place every February, and on top of all that, he’s one half of the famous Wolf N Cline podcast which airs every Saturday morning (and sometimes live Friday). Mr. Cline streams approximately 85% of this games.
SalvoTonic (Rome): Salvo also does a lot of admin work around here, mostly on the Discord side of things. He manages the groups and has automated a lot of that shit to make things run smoother. When he’s not doing that, he runs around New York in a robe and pretends he’s Russell Crowe. He’s known for having a dirty telephone and wanting all women to run around topless, regardless of their age. Salva, as he’s sometimes called, streams all of his games and is available quite often to play.
NIUHuskie (Sonoma Valley): You probably know him from the (shitty) 94 server, but NIU always brings it. Killer streams, always fun when he’s around the Discords, and likes people to get online and bang the games out. Big proponent of shortening the league, which many of us like the idea of (and that’s happening next season). NIU is strong on the ice but you caught him on an off year so have at him now!
Mike Vick (Italy): Mickey Vick is a stellar Italian goombah from the streets of New Jersey. He’s really fun to play; creative offense, stingy defense, but he just returned this year and his team sucks donkey dick. Mike is a busy cat and usually isn’t available until later in the evenings once his kids stop bouncing off the walls and go to bed. 10PMish….
Dinkleberg (Dinkleberg): The Dink is in fact the #1 coolest cat in the league. It’s hard to even explain why so I won’t try. Pretty sure Dinkster is also the youngest fella on the board so he’s much more hip than most of us. For as good as he is off the ice, he’s terrible on it, but he’s always down to clown. Many of us would name this dude when asked which coach you’d most like to hang out with. He’s available when he’s available. No streams, no scheduling, ya just deal with it. Oh, and his DSO95 interview got 3.2k views on YouTube.
NathanMB (Taipei): Nate the Great is a fantastic Canadian hipster who’s around fairly often and plays his games at a nice steady pace. He likes to travel the world and visit 3rd world cesspools that most of us would never wanna go, but man he sure looks to enjoy it. He’s known to dine on horsemeat and goat milk when roaming around Mongolia or wherever he happens to be. On the ice he’s as solid as they come. Can score bunch of different way and tough to score on. He’s the younger brother of Shawn (Thunder Bay), and Nate was even nice enough to invite me to play in his chess tournament.
Derek Sutton (Hamilton): Affectionately known as GMDS, this psychopath spends every waking hour in the Google Sheets analyzing attributes and conjuring up ridiculous trades. He probably has a game plan for the 2016 season which is 15 years from now. He was recently caught up in some league controversy when he drafted a player, then reneged, but didn’t tell anyone. A few picks later he traded up and selected that same player. Some would call it the sleaziest move in the history of the league. Beyond that, DS is a great Canadian dude who loves to wear collared shirts and sell insurance. He’s recently married. In his off time, he pounds Busch Light as if it’s his last day on Earth. He’s well known for posting movies clips and videos from the 80s during his late night binge sessions.
Segathon (Minnhattrick): You know Segathon better than all the outsiders here, so what can I say. He loves to break down the intimate details of the game and we all owe him a great thanks for helping to bring many of us together here. I’ve been following his site for years and I’m pretty sure that’s how many of us got the notice that this shit was happening. Sega is currently ranked #2 in the world in Blubber Magazine, so obviously all his knowledge is paying off. He’s annoying to play when he’s on with the goaltender. He posts the best pigeon and goat videos on the board.
GaelicGopher (Minnesota): Ditto the above, GG is one of the harder guys in the league to figure out on the ice. Plays a chaotic style that seemingly makes him unbeatable when he’s on, yet right now he’s 25-26. Some have speculated those glimpses of greatness are when the mix of wine and recreationals are perfect. Off the ice we count on Gopher for our sports handicapping and drunk late night videos with Blair.
Autobahn (Autobahn): Ditto #3 to the above - this is Baby Clinton if you didn’t know. Auto is losing it in his old age on the ice. This season and last he’s been just a .500 player after being towards the top echelon since the beginning. Some might say he was fleeced by GMDS in a trade and never recovered. All around great dude, seems like he’d be a fun hang, and not sure how he puts up with the volume levels of the rest of the Segathon crew.
JPizzle (Ugandan): “JP”s record in the World National may not scare the pants off of you, but just 2 months ago he won his 3rd HAI championship in a row, which is a hell of an accomplishment. On the ice, he’s still getting use to the online play and manual goalie. This bearded knucklehead hasn’t been around in what seems like a month, but he will be back and better than ever. He loves the game, love to play, and he’ll be looking for revenge.
GolferGib (Caledonia): I don’t know jack shit about Gibby other than he’s somehow friends with NathanMB and he plays golf. That’s it, nothing else. He’s not around much, never chats on Discord (which is fine). Every once in awhile he will show up, play some games, and bail. He’s steadily improved since he joined a few years back and hopefully someday Nate can tell him to stop in a chat a bit.
MNYoda (Orange County): You certainly know Yoda better than us non-Minny guys. Here’s what we do know. He has a new shoulder. He lives in California. He likes playing NHL95 and he may travel for work?
Highland (Wolf): The Wolf has a number of nicknames. Wolfy, #2, Shock Jr. He’s a 95 nut job on a power trip. He’s best friends with Adolf Oliver Nipples and some have speculated they play upwards of a dozen exis a day. The Wolf always picks home first when you play him, always brags about his team, designates players as untouchable, then trades most of them at seasons end. Having said all that, Wolfy Poo is what makes this league great. Fun dopey personality, loves NHL95, loves to engage in the community and push people along to play at a reasonable pace. He’s also the 2nd half of the esteemed Wolf N Cline podcast, so you’ll be able to hear his musings on a semi-regular basis. On the ice, he’s embarrassingly missed the playoffs 3 straight seasons but has fought his way up to being a bubble team this year.
Red (Maryhill): This is Reds first (full) season and he’s been shot out of a canon. He’s online seemingly every night. If he’s not pulling shit out of cattle and slaughtering coyotes, he’s online looking for games. He owns a ranch, his kids ride bulls, and Red listens to Wolf N Cline when he’s riding his tractor. What more could you ask for in life? Once the ice he’s quickly established himself as a legit challenger. Plays a very aggressive style and can score and hit with the best of them.
ShawnBell (Thunder Bay): Big Belly, older bro to NathanMB, is the 5 time defending champion here in the league. He obviously plays a difficult style, but it's been said that Thunder Bay "can play an entire game and not miss a check". Currently the #1 ranked player in the world according to Blubber Magazine, the rest of the league keeps waiting for the year this team goes home crying. Off the ice, Shawn is a class act. Believe he is a lawyer for underprivileged inuits or something to that effect. He's also the lead writer for The Hockey News, which is widely considered the 2nd best digital magazine around here. We all love Shawn, we just want him to lose.
UltraMagnus (San Diego): Where to start with this one….UM as he’s affectionally known has established what Segathon calls “the best place on the internet”. It couldn’t be more true. This league has everything: videos, podcasts, stats, charts, custom everything, and on and on. The community is fantastic, and it’s all because of this fucked up casket salesman from Torontoland. UM trys everything he can to make sure 32 guys have fun. Yes he loves playing the game, but at the end of the day, we can all tell he wants to do right by everyone, which is really fucking hard when you have nutcases like Adolf and Shock Jr. On the ice UM is a tough bird; hot and cold; can score in bunches and get scored on in bunches. He’s tough to play against every game and when he figures out how to be consistent in his own zone he could be top 5 in this league. Did I mention he sells caskets? Do you need an urn? If so, please buy it from UM…
BClinton (Richfield): Our most recent published author, whom you know, that has seemed to have disappeared on us this year. We’ve seen the drunken stooper videos from Tampa when his lovable Gophers feel asleep for 10 seconds in OT, but now it’s time to lace up with the Wizards. BCs style is more traditional but man he plays it will. One-timers, cross-crease, around the nets, all the traditional stuff we all know is coming yet it’s still hard to defend. His team is the tits though and he has his boy Mario. Try to get your games in with him before his backpacking trip because Ace Rothstein is only giving him 35% odds to return.
Unholy Grail (North Bay): Unholy is easily one of the better dudes you’ll meet here. Not around an exorbitant amount of time, but probably about as much as someone in their 40s should be, the rest of us are the one’s with issues. Unholy has the top streams in the league, and probably in the world. He’ll also frequent the Just Babes channel on occasion, but most importantly he’s a Steelers fan. On the ice he’s always really difficult to play against. Has a great team, plays a tough style. Great passer, shifty and creative on offense. He also curls which seems like it would be hard to do when drinking. UG usually plays later in the evening but he’s good about scheduling and all 76 games will be broadcast on Saudi TV.
Jeelock (Saguenay): Young Jeezy is our local pilot. He loves planes. He loves everything about planes. I think he drafted or acquired Joe Juneau simply because he’s also a pilot. He’s also a fantastic woodworker and built his own deck, fence, and thresholds. He is also in the process of building a life-size Master Chief from Halo out of something. I’ve tried to tell him it’s vagina repellant but he won’t believe me. Anyway, great dude! Cats ass! Everyone here would like to have a beer with Jee. When he plays 95 he’s a lot like our good friend Gaelic Gopher. Very chaotic, beats a lot of the top dogs, but just can’t get the consistency. Thus far he’s still hanging his hat on winning 1 game vs KingRaph in the playoffs the first season.
Noodles (Inglewood): Noodles is also newer so we don’t know much about him. He’s down to play a lot but is technically challenged because he’s living in a hotel. Not sure if that’s slang for jail or not, but in any case, he’s been having some issues. Bless his heart he’s doing his best to figure it out and push through. Cool dude though, seems to love 95, so I’d expect to see much more when he’s back home from the “hotel”. On the ice he’s a mess. 0-18 with a -94 goal diff. Having a great time as far as I can tell though! If anyone doesn’t like it, take it up they can hold Dicks dick….
