APRIL 25TH, 2023

Blubber Magazine - Season 7 - Pulling Back The Skin With Dick Head - Episode 36

For those of us with groins, the season is beginning to wind down.  Does that mean it’s time for the triumphant return of Moses and some Game Of The Week action?  Here’s some key matchups we here at Blubber Magazine would like to see Taipei vs Minhattrick: These division rivals split their first 2 games, but the final head to head matchup will go along way to determine which team takes home the Swayze crown.  Even though Ace Rothstein would put the over/under at 1.5 for the games, it would still be a fun watch between 2 teams that know how to keep the puck out of their net. 

• Richfield vs North Bay: Two teams looking to solidify a spots in the Brule, have 4 head to head matchups left.  Both love to push the offense and would be a fun matchup to watch.  Unlike the above, Ace might put the line at 6.5 over/under. 

• Renfrew vs Providence: Pundits expect the Sea Bass to make their annual late push up the standings, but if they falter versus the white hot Cream Kings, they may find themselves on the outside looking in for the 1st time ever (or at least we think the 1st time).

• Hoth vs Tegucigalpa: After an epic game 7 loss last year, the Wampas are back and better than ever.  Currently the #3 seed, Hoth needs to keep winning to fend off a charging Renfrew team, and the 4 games left versus Team Tickle will be pivotal to securing the spot.

• Italy vs. San Diego: Both teams are playing incredible right now, and both are desperate for wins.  The Mavs may need to win out for a Brule birth, and the EBC is their toughest remaining opponent.  Italy has been charging up the standings but need to keep the momentum going.

• Hamilton vs. Rome: The Hamilton Stangs are in the dance right now, but they don’t have the most favorable schedule coming home.  They will need to keep the pts. % above .600 and two wins vs Rome would go a long way towards doing so.  Rome can see Italy in the rear view and probably needs to up their play in the over the last few weeks. Make it happen If anyone doesn’t like it, take it up they can hold Dicks dick…. 

— Dick Head is the lead writer for Blubber Magazine, and comes from a long line of Dicks

APRIL 24TH, 2023

Blubber Magazine - Season 7 - Pulling Back The Skin With Dick Head - Episode 36

Hello fans, Richard Head here.  Today we are going to have an objective look at where things stand with the 2001 season of the World National League.  Unless you’ve been living under a digital rock, like one of those boulders in Legend of Zelda, you know that the S7 is slated to end on 5/30.  My sources tell me that’s 36 days from now.  There’s also been a grassroots movement for some time to move that end date up to Cinco De Mayo, which is May 5th for all the non-Nicaraguans reading this.  Let’s pull back the skin on what might be a viable alternative and take a look around the digital ice…. A Happy Medium?

Season 7 is long, there’s no way around it.  We’ve already gotten marching orders from our precious Commissioner UM that next season that won’t be the case.  So kudos to Mr. Maggy for course correcting next season, but what about this season?  We here at Blubber Magazine, the #1 digital publication covering the WN95, think there’s at least one viable alternative that works for all 31 nerds in the league. Let’s start with a question - raise your hands if you don’t think you can complete your games by Thursday, 5/18?  I don’t see any hands, good.  The “debate” (which hasn’t really been a debate, just a source of discussion) has centered around May 5th vs May 30th.  What if the league were to split it down the middle and modify the end date to push it up 13 days?  Looking at the number of games played, by those who haven’t been evicted, that should be more than doable.  So why not meet in the middle?  Sure, we are all participating in a league that is incredibly structured, but we are in unprecedented territory.  We have 2 coaches, both of which could be in the Brule playoffs come 5/30, leaving for upwards of 3 weeks just as the post-season is kicking off.  These Minnesotan nut jobs are not to blame, as any of us would probably rather be kicking through Europe stoned and drunk instead of playing NHL95 (well most of us), but it is what it is.  The writers here at BM think an alternative solution needs to be uncovered.

Enter 5/18.  It’s 24 days away, and the majority of teams are sitting, on average, around 50 games today.  Some are lower, many are higher.  No offense, but many of the teams that are much below that aren’t going to be playing in the Brule.  Others, such as Sonoma, Providence, North Bay, etc have proven they can play in bunches and should be more than capable of catching up over the course of the next 3+ weeks.   “What if everyone can’t make it”?  It’s a fair question, because changing the date isn’t technically “fair”, but we can also assess as we get closer and worst case add a few days at the end.  If all the nerds in this league strive for a 5/18 finish, we kick off the playoffs with a Friday Frenzy on 5/19, get Moses online, and enjoy some fun playoff hockey without having the deadline of the European Vacation looming over our heads.

Will this be popular, I dunno?  Will the playoffs end in July if we don’t make it happen?  Probably.  If anything is going to be adjusted, it has to happen now.  Obviously, if our beautiful soft-bearded Commish isn’t comfortable changing things, we will all understand and just roll with it.  This is just a proposal, and one that’s trying to find something fair for the masses….. 

Around The League 

Moving our attention to the ice, the playoff races are starting to really come into focus, particularly in the Clarence Campbell conference, since they have less dead weight on that side.  The battle for the #2 seed, who will win the Swayze division, looks like it will come down to the wire as expected.  Taipei and Minhattrick are neck and neck, with 2 head to head games looming large.  Game of the Week?  Beyond those two, amazingly only Thunder Bay and Maryhill feel like sure bets at this point.  Teams like Hamilton, Highland, Richfield, and North Bay are all playing at levels that typically qualify, but at the end of the regular season (tentatively scheduled for 5/18), someone isn’t going to make it.  Maybe the aforeskinmentioned all make it, and Brule regulars Ugandan, Minnesota, and Autobahn are the one’s left in the stall without toilet paper.  And what about San Diego, who this magazine predicted would sneak up and grab a spot?  Winners of 8 straight, and a favorable schedule the rest of the way, they are making the push to play spoiler to some teams Brule dreams.

Over in the POW, things are a bit less clear since this conference is stuck with some teams that are known as Thieves of Fun.  Perennial thief Providence is once again well behind.  Silicon Valley, who was recently denied access to the league by the Vetting Committee, is also over here ruining the good times.  The Black Eye of HAI is also part of the party.  GMDS and UM did a great job on the divisions, but there was some lack of planning putting these 3 in the same division.  In their defense, they probably assumed people that signed up to play digital hockey would play.  Nonetheless, aside from those douche bags, there are still some races we can see coming into focus, mainly in the middle-bottom.  As expected, Italy is making a charge up the standings, despite having a shit roster.  Seemingly left for dead early after a slow start, they have passed Rome in pts % and are on the heals of reigning conference finalist Sunnyvale.  Renfrew is enjoying having a center with stretch marks in Fat Keith and have been on fire since the acquisition.  So, plenty of good races in the POW.  Rome, Sunnyvale, Italy will be battling to the end. 

League Nuggets 

• WTF is Alexei Tezikov?  We checked our records and nobody here has heard of him before.  Defenseman for Taipei has potted 34 goals in 54 games.  We aren’t sure if he’s on a record pace, but it sure feels that way.

• Welcome back to the party Finnish Flash.  Teemu Selanne is feasting on the soft finishing schedule and has vaulted up the rankings to lead the league in scoring with 148 goals and 170 points.  With scoring the way he is, San Diego may win out and grab a dance ticket.

• The top 3 teams in hits/game are Hamilton, Sugar Valley, and Sonoma.  That seems like a very odd mix of teams to us here. - The Sumter Trash lead the league with a 59.2 FO%, almost 4% better than 2nd place.  Every season we see a team close to 60%, yet nobody can figure out what causes this to happen (or at least won’t share).

• Thunder Bay spends less than 5:00 in their defense zone a game (4:52).  Not sure if that’s a record pace either, but we here at BM don’t recall seeing a team < 5:00 this late in the season.

• This weeks WolfNCline episode was great despite Red getting a case of Wolf Mic.  Enjoyable listen as always.  Make me wonder though, who will be the next guest?  BM is hoping the kids from Philly can land the elusive GolferGib, who’s been in the league for years yet remains anonymous….Just a thought! 

Wrap 

That’s it folks, that’s all we got.  It would be nice to start to look at potential playoff matchups soon, and we might be able to actually do that if we collectively push towards a mid-May finish.  See yinz out there….If anyone doesn’t like it, take it up they can hold Dicks dick…. 

— Dick Head is the lead writer for Blubber Magazine, and comes from a long line of Dicks

APRIL 18TH, 2023

Blubber Magazine - Season 7 - Coach Profiles - Episode 35 

As we welcome our latest hero, Tecmo Jon to the league (thanks TJ!), we hear at The Blub thought we’d have some fun and intro our new friend to the league.  

Here’s what you can expect from this collection of geeks: 

• 1. Adolf Oliver Nipples (Pitt):  NHL 95 psychopath that is available to play 17 hours a day, 7 days a week from his dining room table.  A top 10 player (and rising) that’s traded both Yzerman and Forsberg.  Every game that Pitt plays is broadcast live on the global internets.  If you like dump and chase hockey, this is your guy.  This timid little fella drinks a 30-pack of Busch light every weekend, and rarely misses a Pittsburgh Pirates game. 

  2. Ellis (Alberta):  Fantastic MFer from Canada who’s a 95er on the rise after finally figuring out his Canadian internet situation.  Just like most humans, he’s not available as much as Adolf but he gets his games in with the best of them.  He’s a world ranked Hax player and you can expect an invite if you haven’t gotten one already. 

  3. LHX (Renfrew):  Arguably the 2nd coolest chap in this group of nerds (we will get to #1 later).  When he’s available it’s typically later in the evenings.  This (alleged) Canadian former amateur wrestler is one of 3 published authors in this group that we know of. 

  4. Pink Elephants (Sumter):  “I’ll be available after 9:00” is a phrase that is muttered often by Jimmy Elephants.  This young hot shot loses much more than he wins but he does it with honor.  He’s most known these days for “falling asleep” on the patio at the most recent HAI event, where he was also identified as a close talker.

  5. Lloyd10xmas (Providence):  Lloyd is probably the nicest human on the planet, yet we all (lovingly) hate him because he’s never around.  Don’t be fooled though, he will get all his games in, it will just be at the pace of someone on speed and mushrooms (which he likely is).  Legend has it he works 100 hours a week, and whatever is left he spends playing NHL95 (or hanging out with Ceydan).

  6. Einstein/Chalky (Sugar Valley):  Known as the “Black Eye of HAI” for his inability to score despite leading the league in shots every year and his overall suckiness on the ice.  Over the 1st six years of this league he was the hardest person to find, but this year he’s come out of the woodwork.  When you see a flaming dragon or eyeball pop up on Discord, go get yourself 2 wins. 

  7. Mr. Tex (Silicon Valley):  Sounds like you already know Texy but he’s never around and better yet, never communicates.  Sometimes he’ll show up, ask for games, not play even though someone responds right away.  His excuse is top 10 in the world, while his immune system is in the bottom 5%.  He’s been unable to play because of being stranded in snowstorms, sick, coaching soccer, and moving that I can remember off the top of my head.

  8. Jer33 (Baytown):  Newer fella here so don’t know as much, but super cool to play and has some chops on the ice as well.  He’s in 2 leagues here (at least), plays his games, has fun, drinks booze….what’s not to love?  Probably needs a DSO95 and WNC podcast appearance to tell us what else he’s into. 

  9. Ticklepuss (Tegucigalpa):  Don’t take anything he says serious because he’s just a sarcastic prick that likes to have fun.  Loves 95, loves hanging out on Discord, and even ghostwrites for Blubber Magazine.  He’s not around terribly often but will play any chance he gets when his needy family isn’t driving him fucking crazy!  Twice as good when he’s high and/or drunk.

  10. Ceydan (Hoth):  The most helpful person in the league, and does more than we all probably know to take the weight off of Commissioner UltraMagnus.  Cey posts box scores, updates sheets, keeps waiver wire shit, keeps draft shit, etc etc.  Great fella, even lent me his paddle at this years HAI tourney when mine shit the bed.  Good friends with the aforeskinmentioned LloydXmas so he also yells at him offline to play his games.  On top of all this, he plays his games and streams them all.

  11. MCline (Sunnyvale):  Probably contributes the 3rd most in the league in terms taking things off UMs shoulders and providing content.  Everyone looks forward to Mike’s draft ranking lists before the draft and post draft analysis as well.  This lumberjack looking stoner is also available on a regular basis when not running kids around.  Michael is also the organizer of the world renowned HAI invitational that takes place every February, and on top of all that, he’s one half of the famous Wolf N Cline podcast which airs every Saturday morning (and sometimes live Friday).  Mr. Cline streams approximately 85% of this games. 

  12. SalvoTonic (Rome):  Salvo also does a lot of admin work around here, mostly on the Discord side of things.  He manages the groups and has automated a lot of that shit to make things run smoother.  When he’s not doing that, he runs around New York in a robe and pretends he’s Russell Crowe.  He’s known for having a dirty telephone and wanting all women to run around topless, regardless of their age.  Salva, as he’s sometimes called, streams all of his games and is available quite often to play. 

  13. NIUHuskie (Sonoma Valley):  You probably know him from the (shitty) 94 server, but NIU always brings it.  Killer streams, always fun when he’s around the Discords, and likes people to get online and bang the games out.  Big proponent of shortening the league, which many of us like the idea of (and that’s happening next season).  NIU is strong on the ice but you caught him on an off year so have at him now!

  14. Mike Vick (Italy):  Mickey Vick is a stellar Italian goombah from the streets of New Jersey.  He’s really fun to play;  creative offense, stingy defense, but he just returned this year and his team sucks donkey dick.  Mike is a busy cat and usually isn’t available until later in the evenings once his kids stop bouncing off the walls and go to bed.  10PMish…. 

  15. Dinkleberg (Dinkleberg):  The Dink is in fact the #1 coolest cat in the league.  It’s hard to even explain why so I won’t try.  Pretty sure Dinkster is also the youngest fella on the board so he’s much more hip than most of us.  For as good as he is off the ice, he’s terrible on it, but he’s always down to clown.  Many of us would name this dude when asked which coach you’d most like to hang out with.  He’s available when he’s available.  No streams, no scheduling, ya just deal with it.  Oh, and his DSO95 interview got 3.2k views on YouTube. 

  16. NathanMB (Taipei):  Nate the Great is a fantastic Canadian hipster who’s around fairly often and plays his games at a nice steady pace.  He likes to travel the world and visit 3rd world cesspools that most of us would never wanna go, but man he sure looks to enjoy it.  He’s known to dine on horsemeat and goat milk when roaming around Mongolia or wherever he happens to be.  On the ice he’s as solid as they come.  Can score bunch of different way and tough to score on.  He’s the younger brother of Shawn (Thunder Bay), and Nate was even nice enough to invite me to play in his chess tournament.

  17. Derek Sutton (Hamilton):  Affectionately known as GMDS, this psychopath spends every waking hour in the Google Sheets analyzing attributes and conjuring up ridiculous trades.  He probably has a game plan for the 2016 season which is 15 years from now.  He was recently caught up in some league controversy when he drafted a player, then reneged, but didn’t tell anyone.  A few picks later he traded up and selected that same player.  Some would call it the sleaziest move in the history of the league.  Beyond that, DS is a great Canadian dude who loves to wear collared shirts and sell insurance.  He’s recently married.  In his off time, he pounds Busch Light as if it’s his last day on Earth.  He’s well known for posting movies clips and videos from the 80s during his late night binge sessions.

  18. Segathon (Minnhattrick):  You know Segathon better than all the outsiders here, so what can I say.  He loves to break down the intimate details of the game and we all owe him a great thanks for helping to bring many of us together here.  I’ve been following his site for years and I’m pretty sure that’s how many of us got the notice that this shit was happening.  Sega is currently ranked #2 in the world in Blubber Magazine, so obviously all his knowledge is paying off.  He’s annoying to play when he’s on with the goaltender.  He posts the best pigeon and goat videos on the board. 

  19. GaelicGopher (Minnesota):  Ditto the above, GG is one of the harder guys in the league to figure out on the ice.  Plays a chaotic style that seemingly makes him unbeatable when he’s on, yet right now he’s 25-26.  Some have speculated those glimpses of greatness are when the mix of wine and recreationals are perfect.  Off the ice we count on Gopher for our sports handicapping and drunk late night videos with Blair. 

  20. Autobahn (Autobahn):  Ditto #3 to the above - this is Baby Clinton if you didn’t know.  Auto is losing it in his old age on the ice.  This season and last he’s been just a .500 player after being towards the top echelon since the beginning.  Some might say he was fleeced by GMDS in a trade and never recovered.  All around great dude, seems like he’d be a fun hang, and not sure how he puts up with the volume levels of the rest of the Segathon crew. 

  21. JPizzle (Ugandan):  “JP”s record in the World National may not scare the pants off of you, but just 2 months ago he won his 3rd HAI championship in a row, which is a hell of an accomplishment.  On the ice, he’s still getting use to the online play and manual goalie.  This bearded knucklehead hasn’t been around in what seems like a month, but he will be back and better than ever.  He loves the game, love to play, and he’ll be looking for revenge.

  22. GolferGib (Caledonia):  I don’t know jack shit about Gibby other than he’s somehow friends with NathanMB and he plays golf.  That’s it, nothing else.  He’s not around much, never chats on Discord (which is fine).  Every once in awhile he will show up, play some games, and bail.  He’s steadily improved since he joined a few years back and hopefully someday Nate can tell him to stop in a chat a bit. 

  23. MNYoda (Orange County):  You certainly know Yoda better than us non-Minny guys.  Here’s what we do know.  He has a new shoulder.  He lives in California.  He likes playing NHL95 and he may travel for work? 

  24. Highland (Wolf):  The Wolf has a number of nicknames.  Wolfy, #2, Shock Jr.  He’s a 95 nut job on a power trip.  He’s best friends with Adolf Oliver Nipples and some have speculated they play upwards of a dozen exis a day.  The Wolf always picks home first when you play him, always brags about his team, designates players as untouchable, then trades most of them at seasons end.  Having said all that, Wolfy Poo is what makes this league great.  Fun dopey personality, loves NHL95, loves to engage in the community and push people along to play at a reasonable pace.  He’s also the 2nd half of the esteemed Wolf N Cline podcast, so you’ll be able to hear his musings on a semi-regular basis.  On the ice, he’s embarrassingly missed the playoffs 3 straight seasons but has fought his way up to being a bubble team this year. 

  25. Red (Maryhill):  This is Reds first (full) season and he’s been shot out of a canon.  He’s online seemingly every night.  If he’s not pulling shit out of cattle and slaughtering coyotes, he’s online looking for games.  He owns a ranch, his kids ride bulls, and Red listens to Wolf N Cline when he’s riding his tractor.  What more could you ask for in life?  Once the ice he’s quickly established himself as a legit challenger.  Plays a very aggressive style and can score and hit with the best of them.

  26. ShawnBell (Thunder Bay): Big Belly, older bro to NathanMB, is the 5 time defending champion here in the league. He obviously plays a difficult style, but it's been said that Thunder Bay "can play an entire game and not miss a check". Currently the #1 ranked player in the world according to Blubber Magazine, the rest of the league keeps waiting for the year this team goes home crying. Off the ice, Shawn is a class act. Believe he is a lawyer for underprivileged inuits or something to that effect. He's also the lead writer for The Hockey News, which is widely considered the 2nd best digital magazine around here. We all love Shawn, we just want him to lose.

  27. UltraMagnus (San Diego):  Where to start with this one….UM as he’s affectionally known has established what Segathon calls “the best place on the internet”.  It couldn’t be more true.  This league has everything:  videos, podcasts, stats, charts, custom everything, and on and on.  The community is fantastic, and it’s all because of this fucked up casket salesman from Torontoland.  UM trys everything he can to make sure 32 guys have fun.  Yes he loves playing the game, but at the end of the day, we can all tell he wants to do right by everyone, which is really fucking hard when you have nutcases like Adolf and Shock Jr.  On the ice UM is a tough bird;  hot and cold;  can score in bunches and get scored on in bunches.  He’s tough to play against every game and when he figures out how to be consistent in his own zone he could be top 5 in this league.  Did I mention he sells caskets?  Do you need an urn?  If so, please buy it from UM…

  28. BClinton (Richfield):  Our most recent published author, whom you know, that has seemed to have disappeared on us this year.  We’ve seen the drunken stooper videos from Tampa when his lovable Gophers feel asleep for 10 seconds in OT, but now it’s time to lace up with the Wizards.  BCs style is more traditional but man he plays it will.  One-timers, cross-crease, around the nets, all the traditional stuff we all know is coming yet it’s still hard to defend.  His team is the tits though and he has his boy Mario.  Try to get your games in with him before his backpacking trip because Ace Rothstein is only giving him 35% odds to return. 

  29. Unholy Grail (North Bay):  Unholy is easily one of the better dudes you’ll meet here.  Not around an exorbitant amount of time, but probably about as much as someone in their 40s should be, the rest of us are the one’s with issues.  Unholy has the top streams in the league, and probably in the world.  He’ll also frequent the Just Babes channel on occasion, but most importantly he’s a Steelers fan.  On the ice he’s always really difficult to play against.  Has a great team, plays a tough style.  Great passer, shifty and creative on offense.  He also curls which seems like it would be hard to do when drinking.  UG usually plays later in the evening but he’s good about scheduling and all 76 games will be broadcast on Saudi TV.

  30. Jeelock (Saguenay):  Young Jeezy is our local pilot.  He loves planes.  He loves everything about planes.  I think he drafted or acquired Joe Juneau simply because he’s also a pilot.  He’s also a fantastic woodworker and built his own deck, fence, and thresholds.  He is also in the process of building a life-size Master Chief from Halo out of something.  I’ve tried to tell him it’s vagina repellant but he won’t believe me.  Anyway, great dude!  Cats ass!  Everyone here would like to have a beer with Jee.  When he plays 95 he’s a lot like our good friend Gaelic Gopher.  Very chaotic, beats a lot of the top dogs, but just can’t get the consistency.  Thus far he’s still hanging his hat on winning 1 game vs KingRaph in the playoffs the first season. 

  31. Noodles (Inglewood):  Noodles is also newer so we don’t know much about him.  He’s down to play a lot but is technically challenged because he’s living in a hotel.  Not sure if that’s slang for jail or not, but in any case, he’s been having some issues.  Bless his heart he’s doing his best to figure it out and push through.  Cool dude though, seems to love 95, so I’d expect to see much more when he’s back home from the “hotel”.  On the ice he’s a mess.  0-18 with a -94 goal diff.  Having a great time as far as I can tell though! If anyone doesn’t like it, take it up they can hold Dicks dick…. 

— Dick Head is the lead writer for Blubber Magazine, and comes from a long line of Dicks